Failure of the Week - nymamicutie

I was planning on looking for a male blogger this week, but I couldn't resist once I came upon this amazing whore.

I'm not sure what it is about myspace that encourages terrible page layouts, it seems to have some sort of feature that compells people to put on-load-playing videos and flash-powered music on their profiles, in front of their 1024x768 bitmapped backgrounds.

Today's victim of neowhoreism? nymamicutie (Kristie Lynn)



Per custom, I'll start with the profile. A 25 year old stupid spoiled whore from new jersey. Doesn't say where in new jersey (yet), but it's probably safe to presume that she crawled out of some tire dump adjacent to a roadside motel. Likely the abandoned spawn of a hooker and some cranked up guito at the peak of the 1980's cocaine boom.

From her profile, she has some of her 'classic' (her words) posts linked (which need no further commentary):

♥ Anger Management
♥ How to Get ANY Guy you Want *including the Asshole: a 3 Part Guide
♥ Handle Your Business! Or Someone Else Will!
♥ Ain't Nothin' Like the Real Thang, Baby
♥ A Date with ~*Kristie Lynn*~
♥ Roll Up your Sleeves! I am About to Get Wet!
♥ The First Step to Goodbye
♥ I Know Karate, Kung-Fu, and 47 Other Dangerous Words
♥ Yummy, Yummy I've Got Love in my Tummy!

Note that this is under the "Interests" portion of her profile. I would say this is correct and that it's probably safe to presume that she is in fact only interested in herself. In fact, things about her seem to be the ONLY thing I could find on her profile page (besides the obligatory blinking-rotating-3d-low-contrast-text-gifs and offsite-oversized-pictures). Skipping past the form-generated "what does your name mean about you" and "Friends comments", we get to her "edumacation" and real profile information.

Catholic? Really? Seriously? Are you shitting me? No? Well fuck. There's two reasons this section makes me kind of sad. One, I feel bad for her kid. I was an only child myself, but my mom had better things to do than whore for attention on the interweb, and she did. Two, I feel bad for her college of choice's admission director.

But enough of this!

Let's move on to the real meat and potatoes of this shining example of academia; THE POSTS!



Before we get to the posts but after all the 600x400 header images, we see:
"ALL BLOGS COPYWRITTEN AND OWNED BY ME! DON'T STEAL..."

First, "copywritten" is not a word. Second, I'm reasonably sure you don't own half the images in your posts, so you can do everyone a favor a shut the fuck up. However, I'm pretty sure most people would people would obey your request simply because there is no reason to 'steal' such drivel. But I have some bad news for you; screen shots and quotations are fair use, so brace yourself.

I really can't stand reading this kind of crap, so rather than try and process it all, I'm going to give you a few choice quotes. In summary, she frequently posts about sex (that she's not having), relationships (that she's not in), and personal things (that nobody cares about). She's also apparently new to paragraphs, usually not making it past two sentences before making a new line (at what point did this become acceptable?). For your sanity, I will reformat them.

From the post: "Fuck Buddy" (Thursday, July 26, 2007)

I suppose I will be addressing those today who do not get BOOTAY on a regular basis. Sucks, don't it? I haven't been getting any ass for AWHILE now but that is by my own choice. Sure, I know people that have just gone out and had fun and never thought of the night again... I'm sure drunk enough almost anyone has done that.

From the post: " Late Night Confessions and Secrets" (Sunday, July 29, 2007)

But there are still confessions that need to be made. Want one? OMG, it's kinda embarrassing. Maybe even pathetic. But hey, You guys are my friends, so why not right? Ok... here goes. I have been wearing a wedding band. Like everyday. Everywhere. But ~*Kristie Lynn*~, you have never been married! I know! But I am so broken hearted that I wear a wedding band to keep guys away. My heart is somewhere else and I don't have much to give.

Of course, it doesn't take long until you get to the cash whoring.

From the post: "SAVE MY BLOG . THANK YOU'S WILL BE COMING SOON! I PROMISE." (Thursday, July 26, 2007)

Hey guys! How are you all? I am doing OK. But I miss you! Well, I am struggling to catch up from my ex moving out and leaving me with all of the bills! My home phone and internet are currently disconnected. I have so many blogs in my head but I haven't been able to get them to you guys! If you want to help, please send a few bucks to my paypal account.

Go to www.paypal.com and type in: Send Money to:(REMOVED)

Thanks!
8:28 PM - 58 Comments - 98 Kudos - Add Comment

It's this kind of thing that brings shame to the Internet. Too lazy to get a job? Think you're worthy of unearned income? Post some nude pictures or drivel about sex on the Internet, get famous, and then plea for cash! There's always going to be some moron who thinks that your blog and/or retarded ass web-comic is more worthy of their spare change than a real charity. Seriously, who cares about a bunch of black kids getting AIDS/raped/sold anyway? I mean, isn't high speed internet all that really matters?

Tell ya what bitch, you get AIDS and sure, I'll give you a few dollars.

Failure of the week - Nipplemania

This is a new 'section' which will be updated every Saturday.

See, I hate blogs, really. More accurately, I hate people blogs (blogs about people, livejournal, for example). If I wanted to read some random assholes diary, I'd phone a number in the book and ask them to reveal their personal lives to me. Of course, on the phone no one in their right mind would do such a thing, but on the internet, well, that's different.

It will feature one lucky blogger and a special examination of their postings and the following:

• Narcissism
• Camwhoreism
• Ugly colors/layout
• Number of 'friends'
• Moronic hardcore political/religious association and rants
• Bad poetry/Emoness/Teenage Angst
• ...And more!

I was originally planning to call this 'fag of the week' but remembered that I have nothing against homosexuality, and to put the bottom feeders on par with with them would be insulting.

This week we'll be taking a look at 'Nipplemainia'.

It goes without saying; If you want to find bad blogs, look no further than Xanga. I didn't even have to go further than the second page of google searches to come across this little gem.

Before I get into the details of the posts, let's start with the profile:

Name: Serena
Country: United States
State: New York
Metro: South Glens Falls and Glens Falls
Birthday: 9/9/1983
Gender: Female

Okay, a 24 year old from upstate New York. Your classic yuppie, nothing strange there.

Interests: cars (muscle cars, 60's vintage, some 70's), music (hard rock, heavy metal, grind, gore, what-thefuck-ever as long as IT HAS SOME BALLS) men... real men that talk like men, and don't want to organize my fucking closet. cats, horseback riding.. naturally world domination and the end to all existence.. did I forget I like roses too? :D
Expertise: sarcasm, dry humor, the obvious, artistry, and poetry.
Occupation: Computer related
Industry: Business

Vintage cars, okay. Her taste in music is questionable at best..but, what do we have here? I see, she wants a man to treat her like dirt and slap her around a bit. I can do that, I think. But hello, what's this?! World domination AND destruction? One or the other you dumb bitch. Can't have your cake and eat it too. Note the expertise and occupations; "Artistry/Computer related". That's going to be important later..

We're going to skip over the contact information and subscriptions, and skip straight to the "Blogrings", whatever the hell those are.

 ~*~ My Creative Imagination ~*

~`ART is muh Evrthing`~



















Painting Pictures with Words
 Poets Corner
!!!~DEAD POETS SOCIETY~!!!
my sarcasm is better than yours...so i win

Oh yeah, we got some real gems here. Teenagers of all sorts posting quality art and poetry. Clearly she's a patron of the fine arts. But enough boring profile details, let's move on to the good stuff, the posts!

You don't have to go more than two posts down to get to the bottom of this 'mysterious artistic blog'. Before you can even finish saying 'camwhore' you're confronted with a cold hard dose of her reality:


"Artistic Nudes" Yep. Sure. Right. Let's be honest here. Before us is a sad, neglected 24 year old who does anything for the short lived attention of a horny 16 year old looking to blow a load looking at some titties or some asshole macho boyfriend. Oh, and don't forget, pictures of cats.

But, let's not be too judgmental here. Perhaps her poetry can tell us something about her 'depth'.

Written: June 2, 2007
Title: W o r s h i p
I feel alone; perhaps not alone
so much as empty and helpless
with a fear inside of me so strong
I can't stop it from coming out.

I loved you and have for so long
it gets harder each moment to
tell truth from inner sanctions;
I've built a temple for you.

I envy your resonance and pray
for my rebirth in your mercy;
Surrendering my soul to your all
while I worship you.
© ~Serena~

Nothing there either. Hang on, I think I just threw up a little...

Had enough yet? No? Well, here's her info so you can get even more of her!

Message: message me: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM: nipplemaniea
Yahoo: neoandromedaxo

I personally recommend her website. She has no less than 3 blogs and two art-website accounts linked from there.

In conclusion, a classic narcissistic camwhore, no ifs/ands/buts about it. If you read this; please - get a life, make someone in your family at least a little proud of you. Go to school, get a real job, do something other than post your naked ass on the internet. We have enough of that already.