Failure of the Week - nymamicutie

I was planning on looking for a male blogger this week, but I couldn't resist once I came upon this amazing whore.

I'm not sure what it is about myspace that encourages terrible page layouts, it seems to have some sort of feature that compells people to put on-load-playing videos and flash-powered music on their profiles, in front of their 1024x768 bitmapped backgrounds.

Today's victim of neowhoreism? nymamicutie (Kristie Lynn)



Per custom, I'll start with the profile. A 25 year old stupid spoiled whore from new jersey. Doesn't say where in new jersey (yet), but it's probably safe to presume that she crawled out of some tire dump adjacent to a roadside motel. Likely the abandoned spawn of a hooker and some cranked up guito at the peak of the 1980's cocaine boom.

From her profile, she has some of her 'classic' (her words) posts linked (which need no further commentary):

♥ Anger Management
♥ How to Get ANY Guy you Want *including the Asshole: a 3 Part Guide
♥ Handle Your Business! Or Someone Else Will!
♥ Ain't Nothin' Like the Real Thang, Baby
♥ A Date with ~*Kristie Lynn*~
♥ Roll Up your Sleeves! I am About to Get Wet!
♥ The First Step to Goodbye
♥ I Know Karate, Kung-Fu, and 47 Other Dangerous Words
♥ Yummy, Yummy I've Got Love in my Tummy!

Note that this is under the "Interests" portion of her profile. I would say this is correct and that it's probably safe to presume that she is in fact only interested in herself. In fact, things about her seem to be the ONLY thing I could find on her profile page (besides the obligatory blinking-rotating-3d-low-contrast-text-gifs and offsite-oversized-pictures). Skipping past the form-generated "what does your name mean about you" and "Friends comments", we get to her "edumacation" and real profile information.

Catholic? Really? Seriously? Are you shitting me? No? Well fuck. There's two reasons this section makes me kind of sad. One, I feel bad for her kid. I was an only child myself, but my mom had better things to do than whore for attention on the interweb, and she did. Two, I feel bad for her college of choice's admission director.

But enough of this!

Let's move on to the real meat and potatoes of this shining example of academia; THE POSTS!



Before we get to the posts but after all the 600x400 header images, we see:
"ALL BLOGS COPYWRITTEN AND OWNED BY ME! DON'T STEAL..."

First, "copywritten" is not a word. Second, I'm reasonably sure you don't own half the images in your posts, so you can do everyone a favor a shut the fuck up. However, I'm pretty sure most people would people would obey your request simply because there is no reason to 'steal' such drivel. But I have some bad news for you; screen shots and quotations are fair use, so brace yourself.

I really can't stand reading this kind of crap, so rather than try and process it all, I'm going to give you a few choice quotes. In summary, she frequently posts about sex (that she's not having), relationships (that she's not in), and personal things (that nobody cares about). She's also apparently new to paragraphs, usually not making it past two sentences before making a new line (at what point did this become acceptable?). For your sanity, I will reformat them.

From the post: "Fuck Buddy" (Thursday, July 26, 2007)

I suppose I will be addressing those today who do not get BOOTAY on a regular basis. Sucks, don't it? I haven't been getting any ass for AWHILE now but that is by my own choice. Sure, I know people that have just gone out and had fun and never thought of the night again... I'm sure drunk enough almost anyone has done that.

From the post: " Late Night Confessions and Secrets" (Sunday, July 29, 2007)

But there are still confessions that need to be made. Want one? OMG, it's kinda embarrassing. Maybe even pathetic. But hey, You guys are my friends, so why not right? Ok... here goes. I have been wearing a wedding band. Like everyday. Everywhere. But ~*Kristie Lynn*~, you have never been married! I know! But I am so broken hearted that I wear a wedding band to keep guys away. My heart is somewhere else and I don't have much to give.

Of course, it doesn't take long until you get to the cash whoring.

From the post: "SAVE MY BLOG . THANK YOU'S WILL BE COMING SOON! I PROMISE." (Thursday, July 26, 2007)

Hey guys! How are you all? I am doing OK. But I miss you! Well, I am struggling to catch up from my ex moving out and leaving me with all of the bills! My home phone and internet are currently disconnected. I have so many blogs in my head but I haven't been able to get them to you guys! If you want to help, please send a few bucks to my paypal account.

Go to www.paypal.com and type in: Send Money to:(REMOVED)

Thanks!
8:28 PM - 58 Comments - 98 Kudos - Add Comment

It's this kind of thing that brings shame to the Internet. Too lazy to get a job? Think you're worthy of unearned income? Post some nude pictures or drivel about sex on the Internet, get famous, and then plea for cash! There's always going to be some moron who thinks that your blog and/or retarded ass web-comic is more worthy of their spare change than a real charity. Seriously, who cares about a bunch of black kids getting AIDS/raped/sold anyway? I mean, isn't high speed internet all that really matters?

Tell ya what bitch, you get AIDS and sure, I'll give you a few dollars.