Cellphone voicemail is usless, stop using it.

Until I saw this retarded ass iPhone ad it had never occurred to me how incredibly useless cell phone voice mail actually is, or at least, how no one seems to understand what the word "message" means. Anyone who's seen office space would know what I'm talking about when I say that 80% of voice mails or answering machine messages contain no useful information.

For the time I've actually owned a cell phone (against my will), about 95% of the voice mails I got fell into one of the following utterly useless categories:

1. Hey XXX, it's me YYY, I'm at ZZZ, call me back when you can, thanks.
2. Hey XXX, I just wanted to talk to you about QQQ, call me back at ZZZ.
3. It's YYY, I just wanted to know when you're going to be back at ZZZ, call me and let me know when you think you will.
4. ...(SIGHUP)
5. Hey XXX it's YYY, just wanted to see what was up, later!

Each one of these has a reason they piss me off so much, let's address them in order.

1) First, (applies for any of these), you don't need to tell me who I AM unless I suddenly come down with a case of explosive amnesia. Second, I know who YYY is because 90% of the time, caller ID actually works right. I should also note that most of these kinds of messages usually came from work about things I could have been told in actual message format, or simply left a callback number. (Hey XXX, it's YYY, QQQ is now RRR, call me at ZZZ so I know you got this).

2) I don't mind these as much as 1, but i find most of the time when I do actually call back, it's not so much 'talk to me about' as much as it is 'tell me something that could have just been as easily left in a message', same as 1.

3) The answer is always "When I get there." you retards. Calling me isn't going to make that happen any faster. If I'm running late according to schedule how the hell am I supposed to know when I'm going to be where I'm supposed to be if my schedule doesn't? I mean, I suppose I could guess and get back to you, but couldn't you just leave a number just the same?

4) These piss me right the fuck off. Why do people wait 20 seconds on a fucking cell phone voice mail if they're not going to leave a damn message? You'd think they'd hang up right after hearing "Hi, I'm not able to answer my phone right now..." but no, they fumble with the damn buttons for 40 fucking seconds, and you can hear the rustling noises on the damn message.

5) Same as 4, if you didn't have anything to say, why the fuck did you leave a message you retard?

The most aggravating part about all of these cases is that the person leaving a message actually wants a call back, but either fails to leave a number (or a place), or leaves information in the message and proceeds to tell you the same fucking thing when you actually call them (Does "Hey did you get my message?" sound familiar?)! Just leave a damn number you fucktards! I'll call you back and you can tell me once instead of twice in some two minute long bullshit message, sucking up my minutes, my time, and my voice mail space!

I mean, sweet Jesus, I can tell you want me to call you back because of the 4 calls I ignored showing up in my phone's missed call logs. Cell phones are for convenience, not the immediate gratification of your every fucking whim or request whether I work for you or not! I get it, you want to know quickly, but cant a man take a shit in peace anymore?!

Now, I'll be the first to admit I've left such messages before, and I won't even attempt to defend that, it wasn't until I actually had to listen to it did I realize how retarded it was and vow never to do it again. But please, just punch in your number after the beep instead of telling me that you want me to call you back. I don't check my voice mail except for once a week when I delete all the messages so the indicator light stops blinking.